In the gambling world, when people are trying to quit and have a relapse, we gamblers call it busting.

For one entire year, I tried to stop gambling. Every 3-5 weeks, I would be right back at the casino- busted again. It is a very difficult and self –abusive cycle. You can’t cut back and learn how to gamble in moderation, or gamble in a controlled manner, when you are a compulsive gambler. Gambling is the drug of choice and compulsive gamblers are addicted.

It took many long days and night for me too see the pattern because it’s always easier to be in denial. People who have the ability to function in life and are addicted to gambling will do it as long as possible. When I finally hit rock bottom, there was no way to fake my way through it- I had almost destroyed myself and was being very unfair to my family. I was moody and irritable, which were not noticeable personality traits of mine until my gambling was out of control.

My mind was consumed with money and how I was going to cover my last gambling loss. You might think people who repeat the same destructive behavior pattern would stop, but gambling is an addiction where mind games are a part of the madness. Until you can be still long enough for reality to set in, there isn’t an easy way to get a grip on what is actually happening to your life.

There where times when I wanted to call my casino host (this is the person assigned to you by the casino, whose job it is to make you happy with free rooms and meals, etc) and cuss him out because I could not hit a jackpot. But how could I blame this person? I knew better.
It is always easier to find someone else who can be responsible for our failures in life.

During my last year of gambling and trying to quit, there were numerous relapse episodes. The casinos kept sending me FREE slot play, which is the latest tactic most casinos use to lure slot players back! Gone are the days when casinos gave coupons for cash – now they give free play. There were many times when I would gather up all of my coupons for free cash and visit multiple casinos to pick up the money – without gambling. I would collect the cash and run, only when I was desperate for money. Today, it’s different. The technologically astute slot machine is programmed to read the players card when inserted into the machine, display the amount of free play available, download it, and then it's easy for the player to use it up fast!
It was so damn hard to turn away from free play! It was like a gift! One casino sent me $200 a week- how could I ignore it?

Free slot play turned into a trap for me. There was no way I could “waste” $200 of free gambling each week, but I couldn’t leave the casino after using all of my free slot play. So - it wasn't really free, was it? I had to get more of my own money to gamble!

I cannot attempt to make the casino industry responsible for my inability to control my gambling, however, the gaming industry is ruthless when it comes to individuals with serous gambling problems. They don’t care about people, they don't pay attention to names on an exclusion list, they care about revenue.
Compulsive gamblers make up only 5% of casino traffic in the U.S. but they represent 25% of casino profits- go figure.

Even if a person wants to quit and seeks treatment, the casinos won’t make it easy.

I have a dear friend in Gamblers Anonymous who put herself on “self-exclusion” from her favorite casino. She continued to receive promotions and offers for over a year, even after her name appeared on the exclusion list. Only after the Mississippi Gaming Commission got a call from her attorney, did the promotional propaganda stop.

I finally quit gambling after the most miserable year of my life. I could not face another loss and did not have any energy left to do damage control. It had to be over.
Too many relapses and failed attempts to free myself - It was either end my life or stop the self-destructive pattern.

I only hope and pray - one person might read this blog- and not make the same mistakes as me.

And so today, I will not gamble. With love and peace,
In recovery,
Marina

Build your tomorrow, not on regret, but on hope.
Great are the works of the Lord. Psalm 111:2

Gambling Recovery at:
http://au.groups.yahoo.com/group/kazscoffeelounge/

Kaz's is a recovery board for gamblers- all kinds, those who have quit and those who are trying to quit! I joined this Internet recovery group last winter. It was amazing to read the stories posted.

If you are interested in recovery, please come by and join us at:

http://au.groups.yahoo.com/group/kazscoffeelounge/

It is very interesting - if you will notice the URL for Kaz's- it starts with au.groups.

Some of the most successful recovery boards have been started and maintained by people from Australia. Don't get me wrong- I love these people, but where are my American counterparts?

Recovery boards in the US are starting to pop up, but for a very long time, there was little help on the Internet. I know of one board for women gamblers and also the Safe Harbor Hub, managed by Americans. But if you think about about the 15 Million compulsive gamblers in the US, surely there must be more support on the Internet for them? Maybe Gamblers Anonymous takes care of the compulsive gamblers seeking help in the U.S.

I just don't know.

What I do know is this- more people are becoming addicted to gambling everyday and resources to help them in the United States are very limited.

Think about how many rehabilitation services are available for alcoholism and drug addiction on the US? And, there are more compulsive gamblers than alcoholics in the US. We have a major social problem. It's time to get ready to deal with it.

In the meantime, I will share as much information as possible regarding resources for people with a gambling addiction. There is not much out there with regards to available HELP ... YET....

It will have to come, like all things this country experiences, an influx of a different kind ......this kind is an addiction.

Maybe the casinos’ can lend a hand in paying for treatment? yea, right! They will pay enough to get positive publicity for it.

I think not. The most they can do is print a phone number on pamphlets people don't read.

And so today, I will not gamble. Love and peace,
In Recovery,
Marina

God's Ways are not our ways.

I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me, will find me.
Proverbs 8:17

Last winter, I decided to stop gambling. I went to individual therapy before joining Gamblers Anonymous.
My life was in shambles and I cried everyday for those first 4 months of recovery.

I knew the day would come when the gambling had to stop or I would die! Never had thoughts of suicide crossed my mind but when I looked at the financial devastation and reflected on the last few years of my life, I hated myself. Maybe my life just needed to end?

While going through individual therapy, I reflected about my life and often thought;
Who was this woman? Where did she come from? She is not the person I know.
This woman gambled- she lied, she used family money to gamble - it wasn’t hers to blow in a slot machine, she even used the savings accounts to gamble.
And most importantly -
This woman was not “Mimi”.

Mimi is the nickname given to me by my family.

I was a fun loving kid, despite being pretty darn poor. I have worked most of my life and never minded having more than one job. Life was always an adventure and I lived it to the fullest. I was never afraid to go into strange territory – like when I decided to go to college 1,000 miles away from home because I wanted to live somewhere else! I did not know one person when I moved into the woman’s dormitory, but it didn’t scare me at all. I was brave and energetic!

Over the years, I was successful and made many friends. Mimi loved life and life loved Mimi!

In 2000, I started going on casual trips with my husband and friends to the casino. It was exciting and it was entertainment. It was no big deal- just something to do.

Trips to the casino became more frequent. Spending amounts got higher and higher.

As I began to lose, I began to lie and hide my losses by taking out money on credit lines! If I lost 500 hundred dollars from my paycheck, I would take it off a credit card and put it back in my checking account –because I could not lose part of my paycheck, it wasn’t fair to my family. I would just pay it back- someday.

Eventually, I began using credit cards in the cash advance machines at the casino to get more money. I also had “markers’- where I borrowed directly from the casino to gamble and had to pay them back. The more I gambled, the more I wanted to gamble and the more money I spent.

In the early gambling days(first 2 years), I won a lot of money! Then, the tide took a turn. I wasn’t winning anymore. Every trip was a loss, which meant I had to make another trip to the casino to win my money back. It’s called- chasing your losses!
I ended up chasing losses for 5 years!

In the process of chasing losses, I also lost “Mimi”. I wasn’t the person who loved life, and couldn’t wait for my next adventure. Instead, I was some stranger, a person who did not possess the strong character and moral attributes I once believed were so important! It had become so easy to lie, to hide, and to make excuses. I didn’t even recognize myself. There were many times, after a big loss, when I would stay in bed all day because I could not bear to face that person who lost- again. It was devastating, being so filled with remorse, shame and guilt. Life was a constant barrage of pain filled days and anguish.

Individual therapy helped to identify the differences- between ME and the gambler.

Today, after work, I decided to dump my treadmill and walk outdoors. I walked through a beautiful wooded park, where boys played baseball and people walked dogs. As I walked, I stopped to watch some of the mothers with their young children. I remembered – 20 years ago- how I was with my boys, how I loved them and took them everywhere, and how we always laughed, and did silly things.

I remembered what it was like to be happy.

I smiled as I watched those young mothers with their babies! I felt like Mimi again. The gambler wasn't around to haunt me.

I see more signs of my old self these days. I am laughing and smiling, finding joy in the simple things.
They may only be “baby steps”, but I am making progress.

And so today, I will not gamble. With love and peace,
In recovery,
Marina

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.

My life is full of secrets.

I kept my gambling life separate from my ‘normal” life for 8 years. I guess you could say I learned to compartmentalize very well. It allowed me to keep both of my worlds running. My normal life involved my career, my family, the boys and their ballgames, and other stuff mom’s usually do.

Then there was my gambling life- the one where I turned into a sneaky, lying and manipulative woman who spent hours of energy covering my tracks and finding ways to hide my losses. Looking back, I had some very expensive one night stands with slot machines. How can you ever rationalize spending thousands of dollars in one night? It wasn’t even fun. How could one night be worth that much money- especially when you did it every weekend.

Most of the people closest to me do not know I am a compulsive gambler. They probably haven't even heard the term "compulsive gambler".
My best friends know I played slots and went to casinos. They do not know I am an addicted gambler with serous financial problems. I always downplayed any questions regarding the frequency of my casino trips and never talked about how much money I won or lost. I used the excuse of going to play the free coupon money sent to me by the casino- yea, right! The free slot play lasted about 2 minutes!

I may have thought I was fooling my friends but I was really fooling myself.

Most of my friends would not understand – they couldn’t understand. How do you describe being in a state of mind where you lose touch with reality for hours but you are not drunk or on drugs?

How do you describe being in a trance with a slot machine and it becomes so important you hate the thought of a potty break? And even more strange is I smoked cigarettes when I gambled – otherwise I do not smoke. DUH

I could not tell my friends money didn’t have meaning when I put 100 dollar bills into slot machines, one after another. My friends read Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey books- they surely would not approve of me!

My husband knows about my gambling problem but he does not understand it. He can gamble and remain in control. If he says he will only spend $100, he does not spend more. He can stop and walk away? How is he able to do it? I could never stop and walk away because I am out of control when I gamble. I wanted to PLAY forever!

I am alone with this monster- it is all mine.

I can’t call my mom, or my friends, or even talk to my husband about what I am going through in recovery. I guess I need to learn how to compartmentalize again, but this time I will have my normal life and my recovery life- because they are not yet one.
I have not figured out how to make recovery part of my normal, daily existence instead of something separate. I think it has to do with recovery from addiction being a process….not an event. Recovery doesn't seem normal yet- but one day it will.

This problem, or illness, or sickness, or whatever the hell it is today, is not something easy to share, when it comes to talking about it and working through the pain. This is why GA is good for me- sometimes.

I cannot go to more than two Gamblers Anonymous meetings each week because I do not like to be pushed. This is my damn problem and I will work through it – my way. I think the folks at GA have figured me out now. If you push me, I will shut down. For the most part, the pushers have backed off but I am not part of the inner circle of the “GA religious”. There are some very nice people at GA who want to help and there are others who have forgotten what the early days of recovery can be like for a person taking baby steps. Some of the old timers are overly zealous.

My secrets will remain my secrets. There is way too much water under the bridge to ever try to explain this to anyone close to me, after hiding it for so long!

8 years of keeping secrets is more than I care to divulge and far too painful. Some things are better left unsaid.

I have come clean with the people who need to know my secrets - the rest is history.

And so today, I will not gamble. With love and peace,
In Recovery,
Marina

If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything.
In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind, there are few.

When I am writing my Blog, I often wonder if anyone else reads it? It is helpful for me to express my thoughts and feelings while working through my recovery from gambling.

There are many ups and downs in recovery. I am proud of myself for making the decision to stop gambling and still somewhat angry with myself for gambling in the first place! But I am learning to understand that in order to recover, I have to move on, and have to forgive myself.

I have already written about the mountain of debt, numerous times, but at least my debt is not getting any worse! It can be very discouraging to think it will take years to get my finances straight, but when we face our problems head-on, it sure feels better than giving up!

Why should I be surprised at the range of emotions and confused state of mind I sometimes deal with, when analyzing my own situation?

There are many success stories written on gambling recovery boards and members of Gamblers Anonymous prove it can be done. Compulsive gamblers can change their behavior and get past the control of this addiction.

I am very concerned about the number of new gambling establishments being built, especially in the United States. If people only gambled for entertainment and could not end up with a serious addiction, it might not seem so scary. There are many unsuspecting people, who will start out gambling for fun, only to eventually become hooked! The gaming industry has many methods to lure people in and until you figure out what’s happening, it is hard to see through all the glitter and light. It is even harder to understand the internal struggle you face when you finally realize you are hooked!

Trying to live a life, free from gambling, is better than living with the consequences of continuous compulsive gambling. The gambler struggles internally and also externally. Families are destroyed by it, people commit suicide from it, and the crime rate rises from it.

While I may never be the person I was before I gambled, I certainly don’t intend to remain living in the hell caused by my addiction. I owe it to my family and to myself, to TRY and have a better life.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

I want and need to be free from this addiction. Therefore, I will continue to try. Everyday I will try harder. Hopefully, the day will come when my life will be better!

For now, my recovery journey is like walking on a gravel road without shoes- there are lots of big rocks and little stones that hurt. But far in the distance is a smoothly paved road waiting for me. I can’t see it yet, but I know it’s there.

And so today, I will not gamble.
In recovery,
Marina

If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, “Be uprooted and planted in the sea”, and it will obey you." Luke 17:6

May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. Psalm 20:4