Recovery seems to involve a process of falling down and picking myself back up. I was telling a friend after our last Gamblers Anonymous meeting about this and she told me the falls would become less frequent as my addiction became less powerful. Because gambling consumed my existence for a very long time, it should not be surprising to know it might take a while to get it out of my system.

Being an over-achiever probably has something to do with my own struggle. I like to get everything done quickly and control how it is done. This recovery is a process of building a new life or maybe it is again finding the person I was before I gambled. Like most people, doing too much and being busy is a way of life.

For years I neglected housework and friendships because of my routine casino visits. Most of my closest friends do not know I have a gambling addiction. The people at work do not know about my gambling problem. I have lived a “double life” for a very long time. I think the effort to keep my gambling hidden has also taken a toll on me. I had to make up excuses for my ‘disappearance” for hours or entire days. At one time, my best friend asked me if I was having an affair! She told me - you are very secretive and often won’t answer your cell phone or tell me what you did all day. I guess in some respects, I was having an affair of sorts- but my affair partner happened to be a slot machine.

Now it is time to spend life doing others things besides gambling. Unfortunately, there is fall out from all those years of gambling which cannot be ignored. It causes me agony and pain to think about my financial situation and know it could have been different for me and my family. I am responsible.

There are lingering questions in my mind and I cannot answer them. Why did I gamble for 8 years? Why could I not see the addiction taking a hold of my thought processes and me? Why did I not leave a casino after spending a certain amount of money instead of writing checks and using my debit card until there was no cash left to use that day? Why did I stay after winning a $5,000 dollar jackpot only to leave that evening broke again?

I am learning the answer to the questions. It is because I am a compulsive gambler. I am the “alcoholic” of the gambling world. Gambling made me feel good, I forgot about my problems when I gambled, it was exciting and I loved the adrenaline rush that came with being at the casino. But the day after a loss, always brought a horrible gamblers hangover-which meant facing the consequences of my bad behavior and scurrying around to find ways to again cover my losses. The hangover usually lasted for several days.

Experience is one of our teachers in life. I hope she will teach me to find balance and purpose, in spite of my mistakes and years of making bad decisions. Today I will make better decisions.

And so today, I will not gamble.
In recovery,
Marina

Never let yesterday use up today.

Dear Lord, help me keep focused on today and not be pulled backward. I confess to You the sins of yesterday and ask for Your forgiveness and courage to move forward today. Amen.

There are many reasons why Gamblers Anonymous has been around since 1957. Each meeting offers a new understanding of how this organization is successful in helping people overcome their gambling addiction.

I have not had a good week and it was getting every hard to be optimistic about my recovery. Feeling alone and isolated always makes it even worse. At the GA meetings, people share stories and experiences. After each meeting, I walk away with something new to help me in my recovery. There are people with stories much crazier than mine. There are other people with stories that pale in comparison to my years of gambling madness. Sometimes we laugh at ourselves and the things we did- it feels good to know I was not the only lunatic in a casino. Tonight I heard a story about a woman who stayed in front of a slot machine for 24 hours – and had to take a nap because she refused to leave and let anyone else play that machine. She stayed on the stool and went to sleep until the slot attendant woke her up. We all laughed but maybe it is not funny when you understand it is a sign of a much deeper problem.

On the drive home, I turned off the radio and thought about each person in the GA meeting tonight. Each of them has faced a private living hell and I am not alone in my suffering. Some of these people have been successful and turned their lives around, even after horrendous experiences with gambling.

We have to look deeply into our own souls to find the strength and courage to move ahead after a life experience leaves us devastated. We need to remember that God will help us.

Are you really telling me that I have to let go and give my problems to God?

How many times have you really given your problems to God and trusted he would take care of you? It is very hard for me not to want to control this recovery. I am always in charge- I manage a very large department at work and letting go is not easy for me. I see a common thread in those people who have been successful in GA – they trusted in their higher power. They admitted they were powerless over this addiction and relinquished control.

I am working hard to give up control and let God handle it. For once in my life, I must do this and have faith. Hope is what led me to Gamblers Anonymous. Now faith is required for recovery. This is a new experience for me- giving up control! It seems so strange but honestly, it has to happen. It is uplifting to think I don’t have to try and fix this all by myself. If I consider my past history of fixing my problems, it might just be the best thing I could do to “control” my recovery by giving it to God!

When all is lost, we must trust in a higher power, and for me, that higher power is God. I left the GA meeting tonight feeling comforted and knowing the time has come to embrace Step 3- Make the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our higher power.

It is time for me to let go. My life is in the hands of God.

And so today, I will not gamble.

In recovery,

Marina

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I am tired and discouraged today. It is comforting to know there is a Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow night because it helps me cope with stress and anxiety.
It is very hard when I have no money to send to my son in college. I blame myself.

It's more than blame- it brings back some very painful memories.

When I was a kid, we did not have much money. There was a song about a Rag Doll and it was easy for me to identify with it. I was the youngest child and the proud owner of many hand-me-down clothes. I remember when my mother’s friends would give her clothes for me. Not only did I get my sisters clothes but also old clothes from the daughters of my mother’s friends. I liked it because I thought no one would be able to recognize who wore them before me!

I did not feel sorry for myself.

College was a very rude awakening for me. In the deep south of the United States, at universities where family names are legends, I learned about women with “old southern” money. I was the unknown stranger in college, who did not fit in. I was amazed to see the status that came with money, and to recognize how much money these young women actually had while in college. Party Dresses with matching shoes & purses were very foreign to me. My old Levi’s and T-shirts were the mainstay of my college wardrobe. Even in college, I was still the Rag Doll. I was lucky to have money to eat. I worked 3 jobs and never gave up.

After college, I landed a great job, that led to a very successful career. A company hired me and the promotions continued to come. I made a lot of money very fast. Life was good for many years. I bought a beautiful home, had money for clothes, the kids went to private schools and my checkbook was full. I forgot what it was like to wear old clothes and to be hungry. I forgot about the Rag Doll for many years.

And then I started to gamble.

I have no understanding of why I gambled or why I would not stop. I could sit at a slot machine for hours in a trance. 8 years of being a slot machine junkie has nearly destroyed me. I have lost everything I worked to gain - after all those years of being poor.

When I hit rock bottom last winter, it was time to face the consequences. Although I have not been in bankruptcy, I am struggling financially. Most of my debt is residual credit card debt resulting from my gambling addiction. I used every line of credit available to me. There is nothing left.

After 8 years of gambling, I am back where I started. I thought about it all day – I am the RAG DOLL. My clothes are old and I am poor. I had the chance for a much better life, and I made some very bad decisions. There is no one to blame except me.

I have nothing now except hope and still don't feel sorry for myself.

I have hope in God. I pray I will survive, be a better person and recover from my gambling addiction. I am not worried about materialistic things because they cannot heal me from this addiction. Only my higher power can do that for me.

I cried today. I cried with my memories of the rag doll child who has come full circle. I cried because I am HER - the rag doll little girl, who is now recovering, from a serious gambling addiction.

And so today, I will not gamble.
In recovery,
Marina

Sometimes God washes the eyes of His children with tears, in order that they may read aright His providence and His commandments.

I put my faith in You, Lord. Give me Your strength, for I am weary.

At a recent Gamblers Anonymous meeting, I spent time talking with a member who has been clean for several years. He has not gambled and continues to attend 3 or 4 meetings a week, even after all these years!

He knew I was struggling with my financial mess resulting from all those years of gambling craziness. And what a mess I have made.

This has been really hard for me to accept because I once had it all and let it slip away. Eight years ago, I had a PERFECT credit score of 850+. I could pretty much buy my family whatever we needed or wanted. There are now many weeks when I have $20 for groceries, and not another dime. One week I managed to survive with zero dollars in my wallet. Thank God for peanut butter and the loaf of bread in my kitchen.

As I continued talking with my friend at Gamblers Anonymous, he reminded me that it could have been much worse for me. There is another member in our group who is about to face a court sentencing for stealing money so he could continue to gamble. He could not stop feeding the addiction and now faces jail time. He has lost his job and family, and may be going to prison.

Last winter, something told me I had to stop. Something told me I had run out of all sources of “legal” money and loans. My situation forced me into a corner with nowhere to turn. It had to be over.

By the grace of God, I stopped before I committed any crimes, although I often had thoughts of suicide. Luckily, I had already been reading on a gambling recovery site and heard the stories of people who faced felony charges and committed crimes because of this insidious disease. If I had not read and become familiar with those stories, who knows what I might have done to get money. It scared me to think of jail time and it made me understand that my life was on the edge. It could have just as easily been me.

I truly believe God let a lovely lady from the “land down under” find me a few years ago as I searched the Internet for information and support. She introduced me to a wonderful recovery board where I learned a great deal more about my addiction. Think about it- I was found searching the net by a woman who lives on the other side of the world from me!

No matter how bad my situation is - it could have been worse. In GA we practice a 12- step program where one of the steps instructs us to trust our higher power. I have a funny feeling my higher power was involved in my recovery long before I ever knew it.

Having gone to Christian schools throughout elementary and high school, I could never let go of my religious foundation, regardless of my gambling addiction. It stayed in the back of my mind - made dormant by my addiction.

I sure didn't think about God when I gambled. But God never forgot about me.

And so today, I will not gamble.
In recovery,
Marina

Be not anxious about tomorrow. Do today’s duty, fight today’s temptations, and do not weaken and distract yourself by looking forward to things which you cannot see, and could not understand if you saw them.

He said to me, “My Grace is Sufficient for you” 2 Corinthians 12:9

My friends at Gamblers Anonymous keep telling me to forgive myself. I am truly sorry for what I have done to my family and myself.

“Was Blind but Now I See”.

The amounts of money I put into those machines was nothing short of insane.

I remember how I could not stop, I had to keep trying, just one more time. My money was in that machine and it owed me a payback. The paybacks never came.

Now on payday the bills get paid and there is nothing left. It is very hard to think about spending your paycheck in one night because you simply can’t stop or using your credit cards for cash because you must have another shot at it.
Then you leave and have to face what you did but you end up coming back to try again,and then you have face leaving. And the story is the same until you stop. For 8 years, I did not stop.

This is an illness and people often don’t understand it. Some facts are:
-GA reports there are 15 Million Gambling Addicts in the U.S
-There are now more compulsive gamblers in the US than alcoholics
-34% of compulsive gamblers are women and 20% are teenagers

I have to remind myself of these things daily and find a way to accept what I did, although I’m not sure I will ever really understand it. My rational mind has problems comprehending what I have done.

The fog has lifted. I am left with reality and the mountain of Debt.

If you think it’s hard to forgive other people, it is even harder to forgive yourself. There is no one else to blame. No one else can carry my burden of guilt and grief.

And so today, I will not gamble.
In recovery,
Marina

I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne’er a word said she; But oh the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me.